I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You made out with two different species that night
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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