he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
