Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
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