So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
