She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
