it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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