Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
