i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
