I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
