Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
