I bet he comes in French.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
