Sponge bath it is.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
