all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
