I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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