Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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