I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
