So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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