I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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