WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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