Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
