Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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