All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
