i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
