So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
