Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
