i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
