Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
