he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
