She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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