I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
