I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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