cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
