I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
