and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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