If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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