Where are you?
In a non slutty way
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
