You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
