FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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