Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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