I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
