well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
