I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
