You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
