She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
