i just made my gag reflex go away.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
