I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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