We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
