i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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