I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
