she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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