I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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