I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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