I hope mine doesn't look like that
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize