My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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