Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
