dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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