Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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