nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
