Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
