There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
